My Rock, My Love, My Best friend

Shawn and I met during a transitional period for me. I had just started my first

semester of college, went through a break up with my college boyfriend, and was not sure what my next step was. I had talked on and off to a few guys, nothing serious, and was hoping to start a stage that was flirty, fun, enjoying being single and my new found freedom at eighteen. And then I met Shawn. We met on a random school night, where I went to go hang out with my cousin and go on an "adventure." My alternative was to study with a few friends for my chem test in the morning, so of course I agreed. Four of us spent the next few hours, walking through Northampton in the pouring rain, before going to Walmart to buy dry clothes. Towards the end of the night, he asked for my number and I agreed, thinking I would most likely never see him again.

What I did not realize as the four of us, my cousin Hannah, her friend Katie , I and Shawn, would spend the next few weeks, hanging out almost every night, just having a great time. Two dollar bowling nights, Denny's dinners, movie nights. Soon our group grew, and among those added was Hannah's now husband, Ryan. We were all young and broke, figuring out how to have fun while only spending the few dollars we had each week. Looking back this is still one of my favorite times in life as we were all just friends. There was no stress, little drama and unlimited memories. During this time me and Shawn became very close. We would spend our nights together, teasing each other and joking. I even had Shawn come to class with me on his day off one day, pretending to be an interested student. I truly feel as if our

relationship has grown so strong, because we started off friends. We saw each other's crazy sides, knew the stories you only told when you did not care what the other thought of you, saw each other in the bummy night in outfits. And through our friendship, we found deep love.

We have both grown up a lot in the last seven years, and neither of us could have imagined what we would face together, but through it all, I could not imagine going through it with anyone else by my side. Anyone who knows Shawn, knows that he puts all of himself into whatever he does. Whether it be work, our lawn..or getting tattoos, once he is fixated, he will not quit or stop talking about it, until he gets it done. He loves with his whole heart, and will never hesitate to call his friends, or parents to check in or just to say he is thinking of them.

After our losses, each time, he tried to remain strong, poised, for me. He knew that while he was hurting, I was going through the physical loss that he could not comprehend.

But there have been days where he breaks down as well, overwhelmed by the loss of what could have been. After I got home from the hospital in December, he would not let me sit on the futon where that night began to unravel. For a month he refused to get taco bell as that was what I was eating that night. It may not be as obvious that men are struggling through a miscarriage. They do not need procedures, they are not bleeding, they were not pregnant. But it all the ways that count, they were a parent too, and their heart skipped a beat the same way when they saw the lines of the pregnancy test. They are not always as open with their grief and do not feel as though they can

share their pain the same way. But the hurt they feel may be even larger in some ways, because they were never able to hold their child the way their partner could. I can tell that our experiences have changed Shawn in some ways. He does not wear his heart on his sleeve as he once did. His constant smile wavers a little easier. A glimmer of fear can now quickly reach the surface when the thought of losing me arises. Recently he said something that has stayed with me. He said, "It hurts me every single day too." I knew before this that he was also grieving our loss, but that day it really hit me. Realizing that our children have effected his every day life.

Often times loss can cause distance between a couple, almost as if those we have lost are standing in the middle, creating a space. The two of us have instead decided to embrace both our grief and each other. I feel as if we have grown as individuals and a couple. Shawn has continued to be a great animal dad, and became a caring uncle to our niece Layla. He has only grown as an affectionate husband. He has not let any of our obstacles, or his own person obstacles, change him from being the ray of sunshine he is to many. My rock, my love, my best friend. I am so incredibly grateful I chose to fail that chemistry test.