2/28/2022 Our Baby’s Due Date

The first time I calculated this date, I was overwhelmed with excitement, picturing my swollen belly, wobbling around, saying things like "I can't wait for this baby to get out of here!". I would have turned the guest room into a nursery, trained the dogs not to jump up, my husband Shawn was already trying to get our baby to be into a good daycare. Although I only was pregnant with our first angel baby we think around 4-5 weeks, I was already in my head preparing a place in our home, as well as preparing a place in my heart for our child.

As the date comes closer, I feel nothing but dread. Because as the same images of what I imagined in the summer play through my mind now, they are tainted with the bitterness of knowing that , the child I held inside me will never experience those things.

There is a special kind of grief when you have such an early miscarriage. Some may say you never had the chance to fall in love with your child, there was no kick felt, no heartbeat heard or even gestational sac seen on a screen. There was nothing that gave you that feeling of life growing inside you. But the thing is, this creates a new form of isolation. As every mother and (father) know the second you see that positive pregnancy test, you consider yourself a parent, you feel the love grow and swell. When you start to show your ultrasound pictures, announce if its a girl or boy, and move your loved ones hand onto your belly and watch them jump in surprise and excitement as they feel the first kick, everyone else starts to fall in love as you did that very first moment you saw the two lines appear. Early miscarriage creates a new kind of solitude as many people may not even know you were pregnant. And you have to tell them that you had something to lose. I at times felt stupid, felt like maybe I was not really pregnant, that my loss didn't matter, that my baby’s life did not matter. As I continue through my healing process, I have begun to validate my two babies’ lives, they mattered and they will always be remembered. And if you are going through a early, or late miscarriage or infant loss, your babies' lives matter, no matter how many weeks they were.

When we first had our loss, my instant reaction was, how soon can we try again. I tried to mask my grieving with the hope of a rainbow baby. A thought I did not tell anyone was, if I am pregnant again by this babies due date, it will not be as bad, I will be happy even while grieving. This was a decision that I did not realize how much I would regret.

My second loss, the Ectopic pregnancy is not a story I am ready to publicly share in detail, but in early December, due to our Ectopic pregnancy I lost my left Fallopian tube. A pregnancy I had hoped would fill the empty space in my heart, had left me childless and both emotionally and physically shattered. Until this month had come upon us and I really have been faced with my unresolved feelings, I did not realize I had begun to resent both my first baby, and myself. If I had not lost my first baby, I would still have both Fallopian tubes, I wouldn't have a family scarred by the trauma of the event or the question on if I could safely have a child naturally, or if my husband would be willing to take that chance. Through this whole process I had thought I was just sad and anxious, but this month I began to see anger in myself I did not realize was there. Anger at myself, my body, my baby, God. Everything related to my loss. The bitterness shocked me, as I began to look into myself and try to work through these feelings I have newly begun to experience.

I have started to speak out about the situation a little more as it is often difficult for me to share how I am really feeling. I have started to go to the gym, spend more time with my loved ones, give myself more time with myself, time with God. And also writing on my blog again especially about this topic is a big step towards healing for me. I still have a long way to go, and I know on the due date I may fall apart, and I'm starting to realize that's okay. Grief is not a a day or week or even year, it a journey, and I am just beginning.

If anyone has gone through a loss and felt themselves through my words, or if you just need an ear. Feel free to message me on here or my Instagram and I am always available to talk. You are not alone, and your child matters.