The Truth Behind the Photos

After my first loss, I was in a state of shock, grief I had never imagined. I could not even think about our loss without bursting into tears. Shortly after the loss, that is exactly what happened whenever I thought of it. I was in a bad place, desperately searching for something to bring me a drop of happiness.

I began to search through my past photos, trying to find a time in my life where I was care free and happy, a time to channel in my healing. Then I saw it. The photos from my senior year of college and the summer following. I had chopped of my hair in the winter and towards the spring it had grown out, falling just above my shoulders. My camera roll from that time was full of photos going out, on adventures, concerts. I was smiling from ear to ear in each photo. It was right before Covid hit and it looked like I was fully enjoying my last year before marriage.

I craved the innocence seen in this photo, I wanted to turn back time and experience those days just one more time. And so I did what seemed like the most rational decision, I marched into cost cutters the week after my $300 hair appointment. and had them cut my hair I spent two years growing. I claimed my hair was dead from the bleach and I was ready for my hair to feel healthy again, but I was really hoping that I would feel healthy again and some of the freedom of my younger self.

To no surprise after the initial excitement of change faded, the grief crept back in. Shedding the locks could not shed the weight of what had a occurred or turn back time.

Even as I have grieved my second and third loss, I would find my mind drifting back to the days of bliss of my younger self.

Then as I recently flipped through my poem journal, I came across the pages from 2019. I read with disbelief. This time I had romanticized, was filled with some of the most dark entries of the journal. I was terrified of graduating and becoming a nurse and was not even sure what type of nurse I wanted to be. And once I became a nurse, I was stressed about the wedding and buying a house. And that was only half of it. I spent every day on edge, my soul shaking with anxiety while I continued acting as if I was having the time of my life. I was extremely depressed, constantly writing about how I wished I was anyone but myself. The photos did not portray how my life was really going and how I felt at all. I had painted such a beautiful mask, even I now, could not see behind it.

The true memories came flooding back of that year. Yes that was me with my friends, going on adventures, "having the time of my life", and yet I had never felt more alone. I was surrounded by some of the same wonderful people I am now, but I never let them see what was hiding below the surface, I barely allowed myself to see it.

Since my discovery I have been more aware of comparing myself to others, even my former self, as photos do not always show the whole picture. 24 may not have been the best year, and event wise I would say was most definitely the worst. But, mentally I have been the best I have felt in years. I know this seems like a crazy statement to make as I have had three miscarriages including a traumatic life threatening event. But these tragedies have opened the door for me to share with others about how I am feeling. This openness has given me a sense of peace as well as given myself an opportunity to explore feelings I have previously buried. I may appear to be doing the worst I ever have, but that is only because many of my previous encounters have only been surface level.

I am ready to heal at my own pace and am slowly opening up about my anxiety and depression I have suffered from for years. Instead of searching for a time of

past happiness, I am choosing to create my own happiness each day, while also acknowledging there are pieces of me that are also experiencing sadness. And that this is okay, maybe even normal. I hope that when a few years down the road, I look back at pictures, I see both the heartache I've experienced this year, but also the growth and happiness felt in this time.

I wish I could show 21 year old me how we've become the person I've always wanted to be. I think she would love her, I know I do.