Sometimes Life Sucks and it’s Okay to Admit it

Recently I have found it difficult to put into words the emotions I have been experiencing.

Shocked, disappointed, devastated

but at the same time not surprised.

Like oh yeah okay this makes sense

Things have been going a little too well

Suspiciously well.

And at first, I felt my emotions, I went on a mini little shopping trip to feel better, bought some silly things that made me happy. A new frame for the living room, a dining room table runner, lucky charms cereal.

Dyed my hair; my favorite way to distract myself.

None of which brought me joy and I was okay with that.

I spent almost two whole days in bed from sadness, but also the process my body was going through.

And then, I started cleaning, kept myself busy, started going to the gym again.

Threw myself into searching for our new home.

I did not let myself stop, did not let myself feel anything .

Until I fell in love with a house we never saw even saw the inside of.

We drove by this house and with a glimmer of hope I started to plan our new life.

Trips to the nearby farmers market, watching the dogs run in the large fenced yard, adventures in the woods behind the house.

Then the day we asked to see it, after being on the market for a full month, it was off the market.

The facade I had held up to the world, to myself the last few weeks crumbled.

Shawn saw my tear streaked face as I came through the door and he questioned why I was crying over a house we had never seen more than a fleeting moment as we drove down the road.

He did not realize in that moment it was not just the idea of a life in a new home.

It was the three babies we would have had.

It was being rear ended last week.

It was my appointment coming up this week where I have to have the same conversation again on what happens next.

It was the fear our two year old dog will not recover from his current leg injury

It was finding out I will not be at one of my close friends’ weddings.

It was the recent terrifying changes in our country.

It was about every time I’ve said “it’s okay” and it has not been okay over the last few years and I kept saying things will get better and another disappointment comes our way.

Normally I would let myself feel sad for a few minutes and get myself together and continue my night.

But we got McDonald’s instead of making dinner, and I fell apart over and over throughout the night until I finally fell asleep.

I woke up today and felt better, more put together, but I was not myself.

I am letting myself take the time to heal, and mourn not just this loss, but each loss I have felt and refused to feel the sadness that came with it.

For the first time in a very long time if ever,

I am admitting, I am not fine, Shawn is not fine, just like many of you are not fine for maybe similar reasons or completely different battles you are facing.

And that is okay, we do not have to battle through the tragedies of life and disappointments, pretending they are not impacting us.

I may still not be fine tomorrow, and that is okay.

Instead of refusing to confess even to myself, that the world is not always a happy place;

I am saying, a lot of time life sucks, and it’s okay to feel upset because of it.

Do not let it consume you, but you don’t have pretend it’s not affecting you.

But we have to keep going

One day it has to be up from here.

As I’m saying all of this I am not saying that I am not grateful for all that I have been blessed with, and I do not take lightly all that I have,

But it still hurts when some of the things you want most in life are just not in reach at the moment.

Here is my little rant about my recent wallowing.

I hope tomorrow sucks a little less for me and for you.

Sincerely,

Your always positive friend (except for today)