Learning Myself at 24

Ever since I can remember, I’ve been

busy, with multiple things to juggle. In high school I did sports, and worked during the summers. I worked through

college, got engaged while in school, planned a wedding. Then bought a house and went from having one bunny, to a bunny, two cats and two dogs in less than a year. After graduating I worked night shift, and then a job with crazy changing hours and last minute longer shifts that left me exhausted. This hadn’t left me much time to spend with myself. Until recently where I starting working a 9-5 job, and have developed a routine, something I have only dreamed of before. I’ve come to realize, I have spent so much time worrying about what is the next thing to come, that I haven’t spent time really focusing what is happening right now and who have become as a person.

When I first meet people, and even after a long time of knowing people, if it’s not a group I feel comfortable in I’m often times very quiet and just hang in the background. I am the first person to listen to every story about a person’s life before sharing stories about myself.

This doesn’t mean I don’t talk, anyone who knows me well will say I NEVER stop talking and that’s the truth. But what I have realized is, what am I really saying with all of those words? Thinking of my conversations, I realize I talk a lot about the people I love, my husband, my family and friends, my animals. Crazy things that my dogs did or how one of my loved ones is going through a difficult time, how hard it must be for them. I fill every silence with more words, almost to make sure that no one has the chance to check in, to ask what is really going on and how I am feeling. When they do get a chance, I instantly say “good!” And change the subject. Not ready to delve deeper than the surface of the conversation. I’m not sure why but I’ve always felt like I have to be the one that’s okay, the one that no one has to worry about. Showing everyone that I am flexible and able to roll with whatever comes my way. The last few months being that person has been especially difficult to do. And when they ask, the ones I love already the answer is not I’m good, and I am forced to express the emotions that I have chosen to push down. Slowly I am beginning to realize that I need to reach out to those close to me and share more about how I am truly feeling and when I need help working through something. It is a process and sometimes I would rather pretend everything is okay, but I am truly trying to better myself in this way. My husband has made this easier as he knows me so well, I have no choice but to tell him once he realizes something is going on. I have been trying to open up with others but also myself. In order to share with others what I am experience, I have to first let myself experience the emotions, even the ones I have avoided. I hope that working through the sadness, anger and fear from past and present will leave me with hope and optimism for the future. I feel as if I finally have the time to really think about what I want, what makes me happy and the person I am striving to be. I am on a journey of self love and that starts with self discovery. I am excited to become the person I discover. ✨