Driving

It is suicide prevention month. We are quick to share the number and say if YOU need help call this number or it gets better I promise . But I know personally I have been hesitant to say, hey I have been there too. It is awkward, it feels embarrassing, you don't want people to know that you have been in such a low place.

So I am sharing that I have been at a time in my life where depression and suicidal idealation took over a large part of my life and I was too afraid to share this with anyone. Here is a piece of my writing from this time. Before I get overwhelmed with worried messages, I am in a MUCH better place currently and this was written a few years ago, but it is also okay if this resonates with you currently. And if it does please know you can reach out to me, loved ones or the hotline (988), you do not need to suffer alone.

*Warning this may be triggering for some readers*

Driving

Wanting to die. A feeling that has fit snug around me like a sweater for years. A sweater in a hot humid August, you need to take off but you can't. Years go by and the sweater gets smaller and smaller, squeezing you so tight until you can barely breathe. After a while, you don't try to stop yourself from thinking about it, you just try to stop yourself from making it a reality.

On late night drives it would be so easy to just not look before turning onto a busy street. Even easier to go high speed into the side of a bridge, hoping to go over the side. I had these feelings long before the steering wheel was in my hands, but all of a sudden I had a way right in front of me.

The first summer I got my license, I would have my mom drive me home at night. I told her I was afraid of driving in the dark, but really I was afraid of myself. My boyfriend would ask, why didn't you call me on the way home? How could I explain, I was too busy trying to stay alive to talk on the phone?

Last month, I was driving and thought about driving off the bridge for the 4,000th time and I heard an unfamiliar response,

I'm not ready to die

I was shocked, who said this? Then I realized it was myself. For the first time in longer than I can remember, I had more reasons to live than to die. At last, the sweater has been ripped off and I can breathe again.

If you are having thoughts of harming yourself, please call or text

988 any hour of the day, there will be a time better than this, please be here with us for it