Change Your Mindset, NOT your Body

I started writing this post after my ectopic pregnancy. I planned on writing a motivating story about how I was able to get back into the gym and the tips on how to do so after pregnancy loss. But each time I started to write, I stopped. And soon the gym trips also stopped. When I started trying again I thought well, I can address this later, I’m going to get out of shape anyway once pregnant so what’s the point? And then th

there was another loss, which resulted in me going up yet another size, thinking, "it's going to be impossible to shed the baby weight." Until I realized, what if this is not just the baby weight?

Many of the clothes I recently still fit into were from highs school, some maybe even from middle school?? When I thought about the weight gain in this way, I thought wow that is really not that bad. I went up two sizes, and gained 20-30 pounds from middle school to now. 12 whole years. Yes much of that change was in a years time, but I have to convince myself to look at the difference between now and then.

In high school, I did both swimming and track, as well as gym class, working on the weekends. Then during college, I gained a little weight, but was also very active and was not always eating 3 meals a day between school and work. Night shift I often skipped at least one meal due to my sleep schedule. And then working at dialysis, I lost more weight than ever as I was working long days, many times without a break. I was stressed a lot of the time, decreasing my appetite.

After my ectopic pregnancy, I at first had to use all of my energy to do daily activities and spent the first few weeks walking from my bed, to go lay on the couch downstairs. When I was cleared to work out, I hit the gym for a few weeks, motivated to lose the pounds. And then I stopped. I am now at a job where I always am able to eat a lunch, snacks when needed, and I've gotten into the routine of eating breakfast each morning. Could I be more active? Most certainly. But do I have the healthiest relationship to food that I have ever had? Also yes. There are days that I over indulge, but my diet is also full of fruits, veggies and proteins. I eat to nourish my body and to also enjoy eating. I've slowly realized that things at work can wait to be finished until after I take a break,

I am still learning to love my new silhouette. Each time a pair of pants fit a little too snug or a zipper just can't make it past the extra few inches, I am filled with despair. Until I ask myself why am I so desperate to make myself fit into something I have out grown? I think my fear comes from two places, my emotions about my losses and the society I have been raised in.

As they have come hand in hand, it is hard to separate the weight gain, from pregnancy. Each time I look in the mirror, it is a reminder that while my babies are no longer with me, the shadow has stayed behind. As well as the fear of and sometimes reality, that I am sometimes mistaken for being pregnant. Then forced to face the grief at unexpected times. Knowing that if I was still pregnant, I would be celebrating the number on the scale rising as it would indicate the healthy growth of a baby.

The more recent years have been a societal shift where at last, you do not have to be a size zero for it to be acceptable to feel proud of your body. This was not the case when I was growing up. Magazines showcased the "embarrassing" beach photos of celebrities shamed for having anything but a perfectly toned stomach. The smallest were praised until they evaporated to the point of needing eating disorder treatments. Then the same ones that were just celebrated for their size where judged for needing help. And as a society we followed in Hollywood's foot steps. Growing up you would constantly hear adults speaking about who gained weight, their words thick with disgust. Without realizing it our, generation slowly took these images and words and translated them to, I need to be this size or no one will love me.

I will argue to the death with any of my loved ones about how they are perfect the way there are and 100% believe every word. But it is so hard to do the same with myself. And if you think about it, it does not make any sense. How can you know your friend looks the best she ever has now that she went up two sizes, but you do not know the same about yourself? I have been trying to treat myself with the same love I do with others..

I was waiting to finish this blog when I was happy with myself, my "progress". Until I realized, maybe the progress I needed, was not based on gym trips. Being happy starts with being happy with the body you are in now. Not focusing on what you think you should look like.

I cannot say I am always happy with what I see in the mirror, but we are getting there one day at a time..

*Just a tip, if you do not fit into the jeans, give them away. There are so many more productive ways to spend your day than crying about how your body has changed since 15*